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Review thread for A Poor Girl

This is a place for all Original Works to be reviewed. Please make sure that you review in a constructive manner as any members caught insulting other members or their work will be dealt with accordingly.

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Adrassil
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Review thread for A Poor Girl

Post by Adrassil » Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:53 pm

Uhh here it is, this one's alright, I guess lol The Angaran Chronicles: A Poor Girl It's also got some mature stuff, lots of swearing and child abuse.

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nickraborn
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Re: Review thread for A Poor Girl

Post by nickraborn » Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm

Hey, Adrassil. I just went through A Poor Girl and I've got a few thoughts I hope you'll find useful.

I liked the premise of the story, the world building was interesting, and you were shooting for a nice character dynamic.

I'm going to skip over proofreading the piece as I think you'll notice most of the typos, misplaced commas, etc. if you go back through it. One thing concerning your writing style I will comment on is the paragraph structure. There were a lot of bare sentences looking pretty lonely that could've worked together as one structured topic. I know the piece is dialogue heavy, but even in those instances the narrative can be mixed in. Now, this may just be your style but here's a couple examples that would be hard to argue.
The priest looked at her.

'What is wrong?' he said.
Jelcine looked over her shoulder at him.

'Yes, I am pretty sure I can,' she sighed.
When the characters' actions relate to their dialogue, the two can be treated as one idea, and though it's a minor hindrance, separating them can result in the reader doing just that. On a similar matter, I've read one of your posts saying you intentionally use short sentences, so I'll leave that alone as I guess it comes down to the author's preference, I mean, who likes sentences that just go on and on, sentences that should clearly be separate, just smashed together with commas; or semi-colons: okay, I'll stop.xD

Now, on to the protagonist. You, as you said, were striving for a character with black and white views with Jelcine. She certainly is written as a passionate person, but some things made her seem a bit...inconsistent. It's fine for her to change her views on something, but I think you need a bit more content to get her there. Specifically, Jelcine's views snap from openly hating the priest to thinking he's "a good man". I actually reread the text in between these two stances and couldn't find anything to make me believe she'd had a change of heart. She also went from not caring for kids to deeply in love with the little girl. Again, this would be fine but Jelcine barely had any interaction with the girl. I did notice you using Jelcine's past as a device for this. It just wasn't quite enough for me. Another small note on Jelcine, the unprovoked mocking of the priest could be dialed back. If you want her to despise him, I thought it would've driven the point home better if Jelcine considered him not worth bothering with.

Okay, take it or leave it. It's just a reader's opinion to an author. Your posts for other writers show you're not afraid to give your thoughts and I think that's what we should be doing here on the review board. The story has potential and the characters could be very relatable and believable with a few tweaks. Keep up the good work.
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Adrassil
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Re: Review thread for A Poor Girl

Post by Adrassil » Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:08 am

Oh thanks, Nickraborn. Sorry It's taken me so long to respond I forgot to subscribe to this thread when I made it ages back.
nickraborn wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm
I'm going to skip over proofreading the piece as I think you'll notice most of the typos, misplaced commas, etc. if you go back through it. One thing concerning your writing style I will comment on is the paragraph structure. There were a lot of bare sentences looking pretty lonely that could've worked together as one structured topic. I know the piece is dialogue heavy, but even in those instances the narrative can be mixed in. Now, this may just be your style but here's a couple examples that would be hard to argue

nickraborn wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm
When the characters' actions relate to their dialogue, the two can be treated as one idea, and though it's a minor hindrance, separating them can result in the reader doing just that. On a similar matter, I've read one of your posts saying you intentionally use short sentences, so I'll leave that alone as I guess it comes down to the author's preference, I mean, who likes sentences that just go on and on, sentences that should clearly be separate, just smashed together with commas; or semi-colons: okay, I'll stop.xD


No, you're right about those sentences. I think I just got a bit overzealous when I was formatting this to internet reading will go back and join them up a bit.
nickraborn wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm
Now, on to the protagonist. You, as you said, were striving for a character with black and white views with Jelcine. She certainly is written as a passionate person, but some things made her seem a bit...inconsistent. It's fine for her to change her views on something, but I think you need a bit more content to get her there. Specifically, Jelcine's views snap from openly hating the priest to thinking he's "a good man". I actually reread the text in between these two stances and couldn't find anything to make me believe she'd had a change of heart. She also went from not caring for kids to deeply in love with the little girl. Again, this would be fine but Jelcine barely had any interaction with the girl. I did notice you using Jelcine's past as a device for this. It just wasn't quite enough for me. Another small note on Jelcine, the unprovoked mocking of the priest could be dialed back. If you want her to despise him, I thought it would've driven the point home better if Jelcine considered him not worth bothering with.


I can understand this, but this again goes with her black and white thinking. It's common in many personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Schizoid Personality disorder, to 'split' people into either hate, or really like someone with very little in between and changing that view of that person at the flick of a coin over small things. Eg, the priest proving he can think somewhat logically, and he's actually a pretty nice guy, learning a little detail of what the girl went through etc, etc.
nickraborn wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm
Your posts for other writers show you're not afraid to give your thoughts and I think that's what we should be doing here on the review board.


Lol nah I am afraid to give my thoughts. It takes me ages to get up the courage to do it my critique. I've got my throat jumped down so often when giving it online it isn't funny.

Thanks for this :)

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